One of the most difficult things for me to conquer right now is staying physically and emotionally healthy while attempting to get out of bed and go to work. I work in a profession where I am caring for others in their most trying times. I care for people who have had parts of their skull removed to decrease the pressure in their brain, people who have had strokes and have ten IVs hooked up to them, people who have had to practically have their throat removed due to cancer.
I work the night shift, and so I wake up and spend hours thinking about my husband until I finally drive the 90 minute commute to work, during which I am also thinking about my husband. I then sit, sleepy and exhausted, for a 13 hour overnight shift.
But the thing that I think weighs on me the most is how jealous I feel of my patients sometimes. I am jealous that they are laying in these beds, getting care from wonderful nurses who just want to see them go home and get better. I am jealous that they get to have their families by their side, and even if they pass away, their loved ones will be sitting next to them. I am jealous that they got to live with basic comforts like a soft bed or to be able to hug their wife or children recently. I am jealous that my husband got none of these things before he died. I am angry he did not get those things.
So I have decided to pull back from work a little bit. I think the healthiest thing one in my position can do is be totally aware of their limitations. Right now, my limitations mean having a healthy mind, body, and soul before I can throw myself back into a career in which I have to be totally present to care for others in pain. I think working less will allow me to enjoy the sunshine, a new town, and be able to volunteer through some worthwhile organizations here. I feel good about this.
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